Love brings meaning to existence and it is the best manifestation of our capacity to surrender. We look for love as a vehicle to realize fulfillment and it appears to us that in a romantic relationship it can be possible to achieve this goal. Since we were children we have heard stories that lead us to dream about a soul mate, a person that would be capable of making us feel complete and love us eternally. So when we find love, we treasure, protect and try to preserve it.
In the beginning, the dreams and the feelings of falling in love sustain a relationship. But when the responsibilities and commitments occupy a central role, the dynamic of the association starts to change. Sometimes children arrive or the concentration is directed towards an economic security, and then the fundamentals of the union start to weaken. This situation does not make much noise, as it is quietened by the routines of life and by the members in the relationship, who turn their glances in other directions, so that they can avoid having to see the dreams and the romanticism diminishing.
This text is directed to those who do not want to resign themselves to losing the feelings of friendship, passion and cooperation for their partners. For those who are looking for a deeper relationship. It hopes to offer strategies to illuminate the love again and to create states of personal growth within the union.
For more than twenty years I have accompanied many people in the process of the transformation of their relationships. In the cases where it was possible to recuperate the love and advance towards a deeper bond, I always saw three qualities: courage to recognize the state of the relationship; a will to change and the conviction that it is possible to renovate the love.
When these components are there, the couple is ready to open themselves to the following stages that will help them to heal and recreate their union:
Truth: The first step towards the illumination of love is to recognize what state the union is in, what aspects continue to be luminous and what have gone dark. This analysis is the starting point from which a change can take place; however, it is fundamental not to convert the diagnostic in a weapon to judge and attack the other person. At the same time that the Truth is seen, is it fundamental to recuperate a positive vision towards the other person and recognize the essential role that they have in our lives.
Vision: We are imperfect, but we are capable of identifying perfection. Herein lies an obstacle and paradoxically, one of the opportunities for the couple. It is a obstacle because with the image of a perfect partner, it is easy to see the defects of the other and how their actions impede our realization of the love. However, with an ideal vision, it is an opportunity, because with the more perfected images of the other, of oneself and the relationship, it can constitute an aspiration and a horizon to initiate changes.
Words: Language creates realities and through it, it is possible to change the universe of the relationship. Thus it is imperative to talk about a new beginning, stop the narration of the pains, avoid the recriminations and appreciate the qualities of the other person. Likewise, the couple should learn to recognize the words and the adequate moments to express their emotions. Words can caress or wound depending on the intention.
Action: One characteristic of the darkness in the relationship is immobility. Inclusively even if the couple knows what the problems are, they stop acting. So it is necessary to recover the force to break the negative habits. Besides this, it is fundamental to activate the will to take care of the other, serve them and treat them with tenderness. It is time to recuperate the romance, the play and the laughter. To find this route it is indispensable to make time for the couple, to give from the heart, to invoke the child consciousness and let go.
Harmony: In a union there are three parties, the two members and the relationship itself. The relationship is an entity that needs to be taken care of and each of its members should cultivate a sincerity to maintain it unified. If in a conflict the objective is to be right, to impose a point of view and obtain a victory, then the third party, the relationship, has not been considered. Especially in difficult situations, it is essential to look for harmony and humility as guidance towards the love.
Surrender: Surrender is not submission or weakness. The true surrender does not come from duress or from masochism; one should not surrender if confronted with a destructive or aggressive partner. But when the couple has again started the dynamic of illuminating their love, it is time to open the heart and the mind. We need courage to surrender, because it makes us vulnerable. But it is this state of sincerity that opens the doors for forgiveness and reconciliation. Surrender is the best offering and is the evidence of our decision to unite with this person. The surrender should be a mutual offering and an exchange of essences.
Peace: The relationship should be symbolic of the peace that inhabits the inner self of each member. Thus each person should find places and practices that guide them towards an inner development and growth. With the cultivation of the spiritual world, and the arrival at a profoundness of the being, they will become capable of converting their life in the relationship as a stage for calmness, delight and wisdom. My Master Premananda Deva, with whom I studied for fifteen years, said: “When we are in peace with ourselves, we become our own Soul Mate. And then we can exchange everlasting love with others.”
*A version of this text was published in Spanish in the Explora magazine (Colombia), August-September 2013. Translation by http://www.leavesofinspiration.com